Positivity

I'm trying (very, Very, VERY hard!) to be a more positive person at work. As I said in an earlier post, my job is bringing out the worst in me and, frankly, I don't like myself while I'm here. The good news is that I've managed to stay fairly positive today. The better news is that I've been doing well with the food. Obviously, the two go hand in hand.

I did see my trainer today, which is always good for a good tushy-kicking. It was pretty unbearable when I started back with her after the miscarriage and now it's, well, not quite as unbearable. I pay her to challenge me, so I guess I shouldn't complain! I can definitely see and feel my muscles becoming more toned, but I wish it would show up on the scale!

Grr! I hate LiveJournal

Complete and utter nightmare. So, I moved the blog over here.

I'm trying to keep this relatively private. I have a "public" blog (or at least as public as I'm willing to get) over here. But this one will be reserved for weightloss and TTC.

In other news...I snuck a peak at the scale and I'm at 262.0. My last weigh in may have been a fluke, but I'm certainly not arguing!

Originally Posted May 24, 2008

I have not been staying on program lately. Frankly, I've been obsessed with peeing on sticks (all negatives...bah!) and letting everything else go. I stepped on the scale this morning and I'm, again, at an all-time high of 267.5.

I have GOT to get this under control! I'm hoping that my husband, right now, is getting out of ben and such so we can go to the gym. I've been bad about that as well (other than my personal training appointments, which I've been dreading.

I've been trying to figure out what is going on. Once upon a time, I was quite a success on on WW, what happened? Well, here's what I've come up with:
1 - Way back when, I actually followed the program. Ha ha!
2 - Currently, I'm in a very toxic job. I hate it and, frankly, I hate myself while I'm there. I am a short-timer at this point. I'm only working part time and will quit as of 9/11 to start going to school and finish my prereqs for a masters program. But, until then, I've got to learn to deal.
3 - I'm married. I love my husband and I love marriage, but it does present some weight loss challenges that I need to figure out how to handle.
4 - The whole pregnancy thing. So, there are my 4 biggies. Four isn't such a bad number? I think if I just follow these, I should have some success.

Also, here is a "before" picture of me. I hope to post better pics in the future.

Originally Posted May 13, 2008

So, I met with my trainer today to go through the monthly battery of tests. The scale is first and, since last month, I'm up 2 pounds. Of course, I temper this with the fact that I'm actually down 2 pounds from last week! Then, we get the calipers. Shocker! I was substantially down on every measurement! I won't know what my body fat percentage is until my trainer has the chance has the chance to calculate it but it's got to be a good improvement! Then the cardio and strength tests and, again, an improvement on them all. Woo-hoo!

I just came across this article on CNN.COM. As much as I love my mother, I have to admit that she was anything but a positive self-esteem model for me. Not only was on I a diet from the time I was born (practically) until, well, now, but my mother spent a great deal of time bemoaning the fact that she was "so fat" and that she couldn't lose weight. I realize that I will have a battle when I have my own daughters not to fall into this trap.

Originally Posted May 6, 2008

My life has been a saga of gaining and losing...unfortunately, more gaining that losing! I was born big (10lbs, 5.5 oz!) and my mother pretty much put me on a diet right away. You know the wisdom that you shouldn't put kids on diets so that they won't develop complexes? Well, I'm the cautionary tale behind it. Weight and appearance is VERY important to my mother--which is strange since from the time I was born until recently, she was quite overweight. In fact, her weight loss was not due to any healthy habits or dieting--no, she had a very, very bad case of colitis. While that must have just been horrible, it does appear to be quite a diet.

Oh, and happiness does not make you thin. Since I met my husband (which was October 2006--we were married in September 2007), I've gained almost 40 pounds. And I was overweight when we met! Anyhow, here I am--I tipped the scales at 260 this morning. Beautiful.

On the other side of things, we are trying to conceive. I know the wisdom is to lose weight first, but I'm 34 and really don't want to wait! We did get pregnant sort of by surprise in January, but miscarried in March (the doctor swears that it had nothing to do with my weight). So, we're just starting the whole TTC thing now.

I started Weight Watchers in August 2000 and lost 45 pounds right off the bat. Then I gained that back plus 22 pounds, putting me to that wonderful number I saw on the scale this morning. Obviously, I quit WW when I got pregnant and after the miscarriage, I decided to give calories in/calories out a try on SparkPeople. That worked a little bit...I think I'm going to have to alternate between calories and points to avoid burnout. This morning I signed up for WW online.

This is the first time I've done that, so let's see how it goes!